Better Than You

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Deep down, I believe I am better than you.

Please don’t get angry – I am not proud of this. Until recently, I was not even conscious of it as a belief I hold.

Lately, I have been irritated by people who are part of the spiritual/new age/consciousness community who show up in my life as pseudo-holy seekers on an amazing quest to prove that life is one big Joy Orgasm. What I see, or what gets triggered for me by this is that it is their ego continuing to try to replace itself with a much more desirable and illusory image than it had before.

But of course, then I have to ask what is alive in me that is rubbed by all this. The answer is because I believe I am better than them for not being that way. Honestly, what is wrong with people just being who they are on their journey? Nothing, except I have a belief that when they interact with me, they should see that their illusion is just an illusion and be in awe of where I am at on my path. Trust me, I am cringing as I write this.

Yes, I see that as my own ego illusion. Yes, I hear the judgement in it.

And after a lot of sitting with it, I have decided I am ok. The ego is all about desire and repulsion. We either put energy into wanting something, or not wanting something. My ego does not want this belief to be true – it damages my self illusion. And thank goodness for that! Who wants a self illusion anyway? One teacher said that disbelieving something undesirable in you is not holy, it is more ego.

Instead, I am not putting energy into this belief. I recognize it has surfaced. I recognise it as untrue. And now I let it go. It might pop up again, and I will look at it, then let it go. As many times as I need to do so. I simply won’t identify with this belief, or any of my beliefs.

That won’t make me a better person. Hopefully, it will be one more aspect of self that I not longer hold on to. It is a tremendous movement back to my still point, to conscious awareness. And maybe it is one step towards Oneness with you.

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Dum ditty dum

“You are in the best position possible,” said my very pragmatic brother when I was talking my way through some emotional baggage, “you are free to be anything, do anything. You are standing in the middle of everything you could ever want to be.”

At the time, I was too overwhelmed to hear my own creation manifesting, but since then I have been able to reflect on how beautiful it is to be free.  Freedom is an inner place, not a space of circumstances.  That being said, inner freedom manifests as external freedom too.

I remember a few years ago, feeling trapped by my choices.  Trapped into a specific career, a certain earning power, certain expectations from my family, requirements for sustaining relationships I didn’t want, and ultimately trapped in my own self image.  It was a self image of Not Enough.  So, no matter how much I did at work, it was never enough to result in improvements for people.  No matter what I earned, there was always something coming up that brought debt.  My family was distanced from me emotionally, or conversely they were too needy.  People I had felt connection with were demanding too much from me, or were reflections to me of what I was not and didn’t want to be. But mostly, I was trapped in a place of such limited consciousness that I couldn’t see all of that before me.  I was putting my energy into sustaining things I didn’t even want because I was afraid of who I was when all of that was no longer there.

But…something inside of me was not trapped, was fully and blissfully aware, and was moving me.  The deep longing inside me for living an awakened life was making it impossible for me to stay in a life of illusion and limitation.

So today, a few months later, I am taking a look at what IS in my life.  Your life is a reflection of your beliefs, and your consciousness.  What I have today is incredible: a daughter beyond compare, a powerful spiritual partnership with a lifelong friend/co-parent/business partner, a circle of friends who are all living consciously and new people coming in to that circle more than ever before.  I am teaching personal and spiritual development which is probably my true calling, and the opportunities to do more of that with really insightful and evolved people are exploding. People and opportunities that I could not have even imagined just walk up to me! I am surrounded by love whenever I need it.  I am accessing teachers who hold the insights to my deepest desires and longings: to transcend and embody that in the world.

Is it a lofty vision? I don’t think so. I tell people I’ve taken a vow of consciousness. I am happy, and I feel purposeful. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. It is all blissfully meaningless. Dum ditty dum…:)

The Pursuit of No Thing

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The challenge with modern psychology and some spiritual movements is that they try to replace a painful self image with a better one. But its the self image that is blocking us from experiencing the truth of reality from a place of awakening and consciousness.

This isn’t really just the fault of our modern world view. Tantra has taught this exact truth for hundreds of years. Shiva sutra 3.3 tells us either you are in God consciousness and feel one with the world, or you are not and feel separate, insecure, and fearful. So the ego and its defenses have been around a long time.

Today we are looking for ways to escape the ego and it is looking for ways to make sure we don’t.  Every culture and generation has its fashionable tool to do this. Smoking and drinking, sex, music, and drugs have held long standing power in humanity’s search for escape or in the longing to experience something more. And they all have their purpose and value.

In more recent history it has been the search for the guru, retreats to India or Ayahuasca journeys in Peru that have our attention. There is nothing wrong with pursuing tools that release us from self image and move us closer to higher consciousness. 

But like the earlier criticism of psychology,  if this is not part of a full commitment to awareness, it becomes another game of the ego. The medicine itself becomes an ego tool. Even the search for the grace from a guru becomes a dependency if you do not find your own connection to divine grace.

Shiva sutra 3.2
2. jñānaṁ bandhaḥ //

For this limited individual, all knowledge is bondage.

How do we move from self image to awakening?  It begins with recognizing the things with which we identify. If we identify with the body, we believe things like “I am pretty” or “I am thin” to be truths of our being. If we identify with the mind, we believe things like “I am smart” or “I am successful”.  If we identify with the prana level, we identify with our energy body and believe “I feel energized” or “I feel connected”. When we identify beyond the prana level, we don’t identify ourselves with anything.  We are no thing. 

“When we achieve God consciousness, enlightenment, there is an inevitable detachment from the drama of all things – the ‘coming and goings’ of the external world. What do we need when we have become Everything? The capacity for non-attachment is the natural outcome of being elevated beyond self-created illusory delusions. We have moved beyond thinking we are our current individual identity and our subtle body.” -Swami Lakshmanjoo

I would love to tell you I’m at that level. I have spent years identifying at the prana level and only just broke through the edges of that.  But what I do know is if it is the deepest longing you have, it is inevitable that you will attain No Thingness. It won’t require a guru or plant medicine or a month in India. It will be from pointing yourself towards home and arriving.

Getting Over Myself

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror and tried to see something on your back? You can twist and turn, combine mirrors, try to reach your back with your hand…but there will always be that blind spot.  So you ask somebody to take a look for you.

troubled waterThe metaphorical same thing happened to me today.  I was having a cup of tea with my friend/editor/confidante/critic, and I was blithely rambling on about how good it feels when someone comments that my experiences resonate for them.  At which point, he said, “Yeah, about that…I think you need to get over the relationship stuff.  Just move on already.”  He continued on with advice and insight about some marketing ideas and program ideas for Practical Priestess, but I had tuned out in the stunned way that only Truth can accomplish.  This is the same man who pointed out how much I have changed in the last few months and how much I have manifested as ME, so I know he gets me.  He was on to something here.

I have spent weeks…months…ok, years obsessing about relationship.  I can trace it back to when I was 13 actually.  About a week ago, I also realized I am still unconscious around ME with respect to relationships.  I have only started to listen to my own consciousness as it goes along manifesting my heart’s desires…and not recognizing it when it occurs.  I have stopped energetically and emotionally feeding some of my own stuff because it is just not true of me anymore.  Sure, my body/mind returns to some egoic fears.  I can fall right back into co-dependency and panic over how my life is right now.  But it becomes the turmoil on the surface of the water as I sink into the stillness deeper within myself.  And then it all seems so ridiculous.

waterSo of course he would reflect exactly that back to me.  Only this morning I said I wanted to get better at recognizing when I am manifesting intentions sent through my consciousness.  You cannot ignore when there is alignment between an internal realization and an external reflection.  In his own way, my friend fed me my own medicine.  What he said to me is precisely what I would have said to someone sitting in front of me looking for insights.  And at the same time, he was that sign from the universe saying “Look, you are asking for things and I am giving them to you.  You keep missing them, and then ask me for them again, so I send them again, and you sit there in the dark, piteously crying because you don’t think I am listening.  But I am giving you exactly what you want.  Any chance you could start noticing?”

So, joyfully, gleefully, and with humility, I pledge to Get Over Myself.  My egoic self that is, and let the real Me take the reigns.  Because it seems to go much better when I do!

 

Smacking Down My Inner Drama Queen

…Insert dramatic pathos here…

I sent a long and earnest email to my tantra teacher, explaining my inquiry into the difficulties and pains of shedding self image and ego. I spoke of how the dissolution of self image was connected to my romantic relationships and their ending.  I felt the grief and sorrow along with my self flagellation.

“So my question is: how do I move from self images to true self? What is that like? What is the symptom of shedding self image? The terror shows up as “you are alone,  all alone and you will never fully know yourself”. Excellent separateness/dualist prompts,” I wrote.

And so the answer came back, and the inner drama queen was put to rights:

“Great. Yes. This is the right track, and awkwardness is a small price to pay. 

“You are alone”, “You will never fully know yourself” — ask yourself, “Is that really true? How can I know that?”

The heart’s deepest longing is your destiny. There is no question. It is inevitable.”

Um…ok. Lol. My beautiful grief and sorrow summed up as “awkward”. Just the other day I was feeling like an awakened wise woman and in one email I was a Consciousness Teen being awkward! I love it!

And every word he said is absolutely true. So moving on…

Me, Not Me…

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I had season’s tickets to the Oilers for 5 years. I attended between a third to a half of the games. In all that time,  I never attended a winning game. At best,  they would tie and loose in a shoot out. It became a joke – I would apologize to people in advance for the team’s loss on the nights I knew I was going to the game. Tonight,  I witnessed a winning game. A pretty awesome win, too, against a better team.

As a student of metaphysics,  I don’t write off coincidence. I look at what something feels like against my core vibration and awareness. Tonight’s game felt like me. My vibration has become more one of lightness,  success, celebration. I feel in alignment with YES. My whole 2014 experience has been that way. 

Today was not my best day. I’ve been sorting through emotions that are no longer true of me and trying to replace them with awareness and an expanded truth. It was hard. I was sad alot of today, even though my day was also filled with pivotal moments of progress in business and relationships. I could make a long list of things I’m grateful for from today. 

But still,  the Me, Not Me awareness is crucial for what I’m manifesting in my love relationship.  The Me I am today is not who I was in  December.  The Me I am today does not want relationship dynamics in the way I’ve experienced them until 2014. I do not care for what I’ve created in the past. It is done and I release what was Not Me.

I cannot be in anger or even sorrow over the endings I’ve experienced.  Today,  as a result of a new vibration,  I saw a winning game. This week, I connected with three women who each reflected my light and beauty to me.  My business meetings are effortless and exciting. I’m getting more spiritual clients. I’ve booked reiki classes with more to come in the spring.  All of this is Me.

As much as I bemoan the dynamics of my past relationships,  I know that I was not Me in those relationships.  What I created and experienced was self image – so Not Me that I no longer even like what was.  I’ve been blessed that the true Me was excavated and loved last year. But she was only a fraction of who I am today. I cannot be angry when my lover is false, or emotionally unaware. I was that precise vibration myself. What else would I attract?

I aspire to the highest manifestation of consciousness.  I am peace and love,  and anything other than that when expressed by me is false. And from that space, I can be deeply loving. I can see the divinity in my relationships.  I can feel the intimacy of me being reflected in the interactions I experience.  I can share myself deeply – more deeply than ever. Not because I have new techniques or will have new experiences.  Because I know what is Me, Not Me. The Me I Am is filled with loving awareness and that will be reflected back to me a million times.

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