One of the best parts of the experiences of life is how contrasts in experience help us become clear on what we energize and attract. It has been an interesting week of contrasts, and it has made me look at a few possibilities that I simply could not be open to before.
This week I taught a fantastic class on consciousness, and I was blowing my students away! Seeing how much they experienced opening and healing was incredibly fulfilling. I found myself shifting out of possibilities in a few relationships as well – some things are just played out as far as they can go even in friendship. I was asked out, and I immediately felt a loud NO inside me. I had memorable and loving moments with my daughter. I had old traumas get triggered. I laughed as I realized my Valentines Day was filled with people who wanted to spend time with me – and I had been dreading that day not for its romantic significance but because it was the day I met the Magus. I experienced moments of rejection this week, all within myself and a reflection of the unhealed pain from relationship dynamics that don’t belong in my field anymore. And the biggest focus of the week was deepening my spiritual self.
I have come to a place in my life where strengthening my identity and self-image are no longer what I want. In fact, I am having the time of my life stripping away self image and looking closely at who I really am. Relationship as a couple, at this moment and how I conceive of it, takes me away from my true path and Conscious awareness. That is not to say I can’t love. I do love. I love giving love, being love. But right now, my spiritual life is everything to me.
So it made me ask myself about my true beliefs about relationship. The Law of Attraction says we have in our lives exactly what we want – which is defined as what we feel and energize. I reflected on how much has changed in my life. When I look back over my previous visions for relationship, and even my vision board, it just doesn’t feel like me. I honestly cannot see myself in those visions any longer. I have thrown out my vision board, in fact.
What I have is many companions. I have a few profoundly accomplished and gifted spiritual teachers. I have people asking me to teach them, and asking me to create a community. I have strangers responding to my light. I am letting go of layer after layer of self image. And I am not interested in creating a couple relationship. I am equally afraid of that.
Is that Not Now, Not Yet or Never? Why does Never scare me? I know I take joy in the flow of giving and receiving love. That can happen without being a couple. I value my spiritual partnerships. That can happen without being a couple. I miss having someone I really like who enjoys the things I enjoy: music, theater, travel, dinners, deep introspection and consciousness learnings, yoga, dance, art and creativity. While that can happen without being a couple, it begins to get into couplehood. Add in energy work, intimate emotional sharing, physical touch, and now we are in the realm of couplehood. If I miss anything, it is that person who can hold me physically and/or energetically at the end of the day as I process and integrate my spiritual insights from the day.
At best, it is Not Now. I really don’t want to live what I have lived again. The pain from the repeated and unhealed patterns with the Magus, or with Bhikku, are draining, distracting, and not in alignment with who I want to be. At worst, it is Never but that will be a choice made from my heart’s desire for spiritual evolution – a feeling of answering a Calling. The middle path would be Not Yet, and that still goes back to it cannot be at the cost of my spiritual deepening. And yet, I cannot help but wonder if I am giving something up that I don’t need to give up. I just don’t know for sure if I have shut something down that could be fulfilling emotionally and spiritually. Many of my spiritual teachers are in long term couple relationships which means it does not have to be either/or on the spiritual path. So that is the question I set to the universe to provide direction, clarity and insight to me about. Its kind of exciting to ask that, and be open to more possibilities.