Bending Time

I am told time feels slow when you are young and passes too fast when you are older. 

It is a matter of belief. 

If you believe your remaining time is getting shorter, this is a false belief. None of us know the day we will take our last breath. People who live to be 100 may have expected to pass at 70 – what a waste if they lived those 30 years believing time was getting shorter. 

When we are kids, we are more likely to live in the now. The now is infinite. It is when we live in the past or the future that we get messed up. Neither exist, so they are easy to project our beliefs and fears over top. 

My days are no shorter or longer than before. I experience my days in terms of energy – intense, loving, flowing. I surrender to the moment (at least that’s the intention). 


Hope: The Voice of Consciousness


My Tantra teacher told a story to illustrate the fact that when consciousness is flowing, and we follow its current, there is an intrinsic knowing of reality that goes beyond space and time. He reminded us that there is always that little voice inside that tells us something that goes beyond what is reasonable and rational and yet it is essential truth.

He told the story of a man and woman who were dating. The man believed that this woman possibly was a profound love for him. His inner voice told him that. And yet he also was a man who enjoyed having multiple relationships. He had a different girlfriend for a different day of the week. Eventually, the woman he felt the little voice around decided she didn’t want to be Miss Tuesday anymore and ended the relationship. He decided that he must have been wrong and continued on with his life. She married his best friend. Life proceeded, and 35 years later the same man and woman reconnected and married. That little voice, the essential truth, continued to manifest. Essential truth and consciousness do not know space or time; 35 years or 3 minutes are irrelevant in the flow of that ultimate conscious expression.

My teacher continued to tell story after story of people who had ignored or distrusted the little voice. In some cases they ignored it because it just did not make sense. In other cases they felt it might be their imagination. Or they felt that what it was telling them was simply not rational and would not lead where it was they hoped to end up. Eventually they would recall at some point, that despite following a different path, what that little voice many years ago told them was in fact now coming to pass.

Every one of these stories triggers a feeling inside of me that I associate with hope. Some people say that hope is not a powerful position from which to create. I understand that the general idea of hope, very passive and nearly luck based feeling, is not the intentionality with which we create. And yet I find that feeling of hope to be uplifting, and enlightning, peace giving. It wasn’t until I heard the stories from my teacher that I begin to understand that perhaps what I call hope is in fact that little voice inside me.

More and more often, I’ve been letting that little voice be my guide. There are many times that I have felt something that is completely contradictory to what the facts in front of me would tell me. And yet, invariably what I felt came to pass or ended up having more truth than I gave it credit for.

I have decided that when I feel this sense of hope I will acknowledge and recognize it as the spark of my consciousness pointing me in a particular direction. There is release and peacefulness that come from letting my consciousness direct more than letting my mind do. There is a magic and mysticism that is pervading my life that I simply cannot explain. When I lose hope, or feel trapped by false belief, it is now a sign to me that I am out of touch with my true conscious nature.

And so, I am beginning to feel the truth of why hope is so significant in the human experience. Hope itself is not the power; it is a signpost to listening to our true consciousness, which allows us enough awareness to create in a more powerful and energetic way. Wow.

A New Reflection in the Mirror

faceThere is a practice known as Face Reading. I remember walking through a Mind Body Spirit Fair a few years ago, and being called over by the Face Reading “hawker”, who was promoting their 10 minute readings. I was a bit skeptical, until she began accurately reading my face as I stood there. I signed up for my 10 minutes with enthusiasm. The reader was the Master Teacher, named Herman Muller. He very accurately summed up my life experiences and my personal psychology. I was hooked and signed up for the weekend intensive to learn how to do this myself.

The Magus and I did the course together. And at the very end, we were told to wear two piece bathing suits the next day for Body Reading. I immediately went into anxiety and knew I would not return. I could not, would not, expose my pain trapped in my body in front of an entire class. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. Every fear I had ever held had been triggered by this course. The Magus tried all night to see if I would reconsider, and I threw my pain at him. This process created a new healing conversation for us as well. I was able to face my binging as a result of this.facemap

Over the weekend I looked at many old pictures. It was my daughter’s birthday, and it is my ritual to look at all her photos over the years. People like to tell me to pay attention because kids grow up so fast. I think they feel that we lose something of our child in that process. In my review of her pictures, I see the soul that looked at me the first second I held her, and I see how that soul is manifesting its expressions. And I celebrate the incredible blessing that she chose me to be her mother.

As I looked at the pictures, I noticed exactly what they tell us in Face Reading: in the past few years, the way I look has changed. My face is subtly shifting to reflect my inner changes. My body is doing the same thing. I say this with humility and insight: I am more beautiful now than I have been in my entire life. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful woman. Sure, there are wrinkles around my eyes, my body has lumps and bumps, and if I miss a hair appointment you will see silver roots…but I am beautiful.

womanI am happy, and living in the flow of consciousness more and more. I am choosing to be in that state. I feel free of the burden of false beliefs and obligations. I feel supported, by the universe and by the love in my life. I look at my vision board, and see nothing but progress towards all aspects of my vision. I am living my passion. Having my own business has been my dream, and making the leap to choose to leave my job was the final statement of me saying Yes to ME.

I reflected that I have not blogged for at least a week. I began to feel anxious about that, as if I had somehow let people down. But this is an art form for me, a creative expression. And lately, with the beautiful weather, I have been called to sketch and make stained glass (both of which I can do outdoors) instead of writing. I have many things going on inside, many new levels of awareness bubbling up. So I will write, when it is time.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

…a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a TreeSketchtime to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak. – Ecclesiastes 3

The Present


“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
― Lao Tzu

It dawned on me that my anxiety is triggered by the future, by things that have not happened and in fact may never happen. The insanity of that is not lost on me.

I recognize how it happened. Some of it is historical, in that codependency is about predicting and controlling as much as possible. And in a leadership position, you build the image of a vision of the future, then try to get people to see themselves in that future too.

But there is a fine line between building a vision for the purposes of consciously creating, and not living in the now.

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and
not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much
past, and not enough presence.”
― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

I find myself having moments of old thinking invading my now. How will I achieve the financial future I want? How will I deal with technology problems when Bhikku moves out? What if the Magus moves away? How will all of this affect my daughter as she grows up? And this is just a fraction of the thoughts that can take over if I am not mindful.

I have had the perception of time come up a few times this week. People have ideas about being 45 and having a kindergarten age child. They think I will run out of energy or time to be with her in her life. People love reminding you to relish every minute with your child because they grow up so fast. My father sent me an email warning about facing the winter of your life and looking backwards with regret.

I don’t buy these limitations. My daughter is older but the soul that looked out at me the minute she was born is still there, timelessly. She just expresses more of it now. I often forget that I’m at the mid point of my life. I don’t see time as running out. I am more concerned with how I’m evolving spiritually and emotionally.

Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”
― Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment

Tolle’s point is one I’ve read many times but don’t always master. But more and more, I realize my problems are in moving out of the Now into some future that is not real. I even use one of the premises of psychology to justify my angst – “The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” Let me first tell you that our ability at predicting any human behavior is pretty weak. And that is hopefully because we learn and heal and grow into our True Self instead of being trapped in old patterns of the ego.

Osho says “To experience timelessness is to experience deathlessness. To experience timelessness is to experience that which really is. It is neither past nor present nor future; it simply is. It cannot be confined into any compartment, into any category; it cannot be categorized. You simply experience each moment with tremendous peace and silence and joy.”

I think that is one of the reasons gratitude is a powerful practice. When we are grateful, we are in the Now. If I stop and simply Be in this moment, it’s all good. I am free, I am loved. If I take time to connect with Consciousness, my awareness of perfection in the Now magnifies and expands me.

Healing the past is useful for bringing better awareness to conscious creation, as the past may give us insight into unconscious ego beliefs that are at work. Creating a vision of the future allows us to experience our divinity as co-creators with the Divine. But the Now is eternal.